Friday, October 19, 2007

The Fourfold Way: Don't Be Attached to the Outcome

This takes practice: show up, pay attention, tell the truth, and don't be attached to the outcome.

When you do show up, when you pay attention and speak when it is the time for you to speak, and when you speak and tell the truth - simply, clearly, in a few short words - don't be attached to the outcome.

In other words, tell your truth and know that is all you have to do and to say. In other words, tell your truth and trust that your part has been given, and all is well.

Surrender your truth to the future, to the person to whom you've entrusted your truth. Surrender your truth to God, to the Universe, to all that is.

When you have paid attention and told the truth, it gets easier to not be attached to the outcome. You can be free to turn and walk away, knowing you have done as much as you could. In fact, you have given a lot of yourself when you have cared enough to show up, to pay attention, and to tell the truth.

When you have lived fully into that moment, you will move fully into the next, giving yourself and others the gift of your complete presence and your caring ability to tell the truth.

This takes practice. Like most of us, you get to practice for a lifetime!
Warmly,
meb

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Fourfold Way: Tell the Truth

"... but I always tell the truth," you say. Really? Has there ever been a time when you've told "a little white lie?" Has there ever been a time when you've told your boss what you thought your boss wanted to hear? Has there ever been a time when you've skirted an issue - or used a euphemism - rather than speak the truth, directly, simply, clearly? For example, a friend told me she had noticed how many people will say anything else other than the words: "dying," or "death." One day I visited with a woman who was clearly dying of cancer. When I asked her how she was, her sister-in-law, her primary caregiver, said with false cheeriness: "oh she's just a bit under the weather; she'll be up in a day or two."

Most of the truth-telling we have to do does not center around death, although it might for some of us at this time. Most of the truth-telling we have to do centers around our own feelings. First of all, we have to show up and pay attention, as I've written in the past several days. Most of all, we have to show up, pay attention, and tell the truth about our OWN reality, which includes our own feelings and perceptions of any given situation. What is true for you may very well not be true for someone else. You have your own reality, you are entitled to your own reality - and by the same token, every other person has their own reality and is entitled to their own reality.

There is space for your truth in the world, but it is up to you to take the space for your own truth. By telling the truth, you learn whether or not there is space for your truth. That's a lot to learn. When you show up, pay attention, and tell the truth, you may begin to notice there are people and situations that don't want your truth, your perceptions. Is there room for you there? Do you want to stay, knowing there is no room for you, or not?

Telling the truth takes time. In a high-speed culture such as ours, we have to begin to set our own pace if we are going to take the time to tell the truth. I once spoke to a man who took the time to be clear about his own truth before he spoke. As I spoke, he would listen carefully to me. Then there was silence. Sometimes I got frustrated with the long silences between my speaking and his. When I asked him about the silences, he said that when I spoke, he listened. Then he had to think about what I had said. Then he had to consider his response. Only then was he willing to speak.

Show up, pay attention, tell the truth...
Warmly,
meb

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Fourfold Way: Pay Attention

"Pay Attention!" Sounds like something our kindergarten teacher said to the class, usually out of frustration. In the Fourfold Way, however, "pay attention" is an invitation to be present to the moment, to the situation, the the environment, to the relationship you are in - NOW - this present moment.

We know that there is no other moment than this present moment. But we seldom live in the present moment. Our bodies may be here, now, but our minds may be in the past, ruminating over some grievance, or even remembering a happy time. Our bodies may be here, now, but our minds may be thinking about what we have to do next, who we have to call, what we have left undone today. "Pay attention" invites us, instead, to be present in our fullness: body, mind, spirit, attention. "Pay attention" invites us to be aware of ourselves and our surroundings.

Practice for a moment now. Take your eyes off the computer screen and place your hands in your lap. Breathe. Notice your breathe, moving in and out, without any action on your part, in your body. Feel your bottom sitting on the chair. Sense yourself as a whole person. Breathe.

When you are with someone else and you "pay attention" to them, to the present moment, to what is happening now, you are offering a great gift. When you "pay attention," you can listen to what is being said and you can take the time to respond, instead of react. When you "pay attention," you can notice the tone of voice - hear the tremble, hear the anger, hear the fear - instead of noticing only the words being spoken. When you "pay attention," you may get a sense of what is really happening, beyond your notions of what "should" be happening or what "could" be happening.

Show up. Pay attention.

Warmly,
meb

Monday, October 15, 2007

The Fourfold Way: Show Up

For the next couple of days, I will write about the Fourfold Way in the Native American tradition. Of course, this is through the lens of my interpretation and understanding. Bear with me.

We all need a "compass," a way which shows us direction in how to live. That's what the spiritual life is about: the spiritual life provides a "compass," a path to move in matters of the world. The "compass" of the spiritual life, whatever tradition you embrace, offers very practical guidance to help you to be the human being you are meant to be.

The Fourfold Way is a "compass." It's a simple way to guage how to proceed in every day, in every activity, in every relationship.

1. Show Up.
I don't know about you, but sometimes I only pretend to show up. At those times, I'm focused on what I have to do after I leave this place, or I'm worrying about a conversation I had earlier. Sometimes I don't even show up at all. You might have been expecting me, but I"m not there.
As I grow older, I learn about how important it is to show up. It's important for me to show up for a friend's party, for example, or to show up when a friend loses their partner or their parent. It's important to show up - and even to offer assistance - when someone in my circle of relationships is having a hard time. When I show up, I can decide how I want to help, or I can take a look to see what help is needed.
But I can't do any of those things unless I show up.
I want to be able to "show up" more often in my life as I get older. That means that when I arrive at your door, I want to be able to look you in the eye and be present - without baggage or agenda.
This is a simple thing, isn't it?

Show Up.

Warmly,
meb

Sunday, October 14, 2007

On being confused...

Sometimes it's ok to be confused. It really is! Probably you're like me, and like most of us. When we are confused, we start looking for an answer to our confusion. Maybe this is why I'm confused... Oh, I know, this is the answer! We do something to mask our confusion; sometimes what we choose to do is helpful, and sometimes it's not.

Through the years, I've tried something in meetings when ideas or issues are not getting clarified. I wait until there's a break in the discussion, and then I'll say: "I'm confused - " and I put the unclear point into words. Something always happens quickly: someone jumps into the discussion with the answer to my confusion! Since we all have our own take on things - not necessarily the only take on things, but OUR take on things - the answers to my confusion often do not agree. That doesn't matter, however; what matters is that someone - anyone - has found the answer to expressed confusion! Try it sometime.

Sometimes in our lives, we can be confused for a long, long time. It's not easy to stay confused when there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. We may force a solution to a problem relationship, to building tension, to a time of boredom. When we're confused, we simply don't want to stay with the confusion long enough for it to clarify itself.

In a sense, there can be a mystery to a time of confusion. Maybe something new is waiting to be born in you. Maybe things are adjusting to a deeper level in a relationship, and it's time to stay with it, through this confusing time, until things sort themselves out differently.

Our need to solve every confusing detail is related to our need to control. How about a little confusion for the time being???
Warmly,
meb

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Surrender -

The word "surrender" has a bad connotation in our understanding, in most cases. We think that to surrender means to give up. We think that to surrender means we lose, they win. Another way to understand surrender, however, in terms that are important and freeing for our lives is to "let go" of not accepting what is.

In other words, get real! Or, be free! Who doesn't want to be free?

When you choose to surrender, you choose to accept what is happening - or not happening - in your life for what it is. When you choose to surrender, you choose to accept life on life's terms - not on what you wish it would or could be, if only things were different.

When we do not surrender, we use a lot of our energy fighting - yes, actually fighting - to make things line up with the way we think they SHOULD be. For example, when you do not accept that your partner likes to get loud and obnoxious sometimes, and that nothing you can do can change that, you will probably spend a lot of your time and energy trying to get your partner to change. (An aside: trying to change someone else is another whole topic!).

When we choose to surrender to what is, or to accept what is, we can begin to choose our most honest and freeing response to what is. For example, once you surrender to the fact that your partner actually likes to get loud and obnoxious (in your opinion) sometimes, you can decide how YOU will handle that situation. Once you've accepted that fact, you can stop putting your energy into trying to change someone else, and be free to decide how you will respond to the situation next time. You won't be banging your head on a hard wall anymore!

I'm sorry that "surrender" has taken such a bad rap in our culture. To me, "surrendering to what is" is the most freeing possibility that life offers. I have experienced the absolute freedom and clarity that comes when I surrender. Surrendering to what is does not mean doing nothing; surrendering to what is does mean that I have accepted reality - on its terms - and I am free to respond (instead of to react) in the way that is most life-giving for me.

Whew!
Warmly,
meb

Friday, October 12, 2007

Running on empty...

Maybe you're one of those people who fills your gas tank when you get down to 1/4 of a tank. I'm not. The little red light always comes on in my car before I even begin to think about getting a full tank. That means I've run out of gas a couple of times in the course of a lifetime. Not a pleasant experience, but a reality of running on empty.

We're led to believe that we can run on empty in our lives, too. Why not say yes to another committee, to another job, to taking care of your neighbor's kids for a few hours, to running the fund-raiser someone has to run? Why not? Or maybe: why?

The truth is, none of us is able to run on empty. We may think we have an endless supply of energy, of time, of ideas, of motivation. But without sustinance, we're still going to be running on empty.

The image of each of us as a beautiful pitcher has long been an image I like to hold in my mind. Picture it for yourself. When the pitcher is full, the water overflows. When the pitcher is empty, the bottom gets dry, and there's nothing to pour. We are like that beautiful pitcher. When the pitcher is full, we have something to give, to ourselves and to others. When the pitcher is empty, when the bottom is dry, we have nothing to give. We have to learn the difference, each one of us for ourselves. We have to learn to guage - like the guage in my car - when the pitcher is beginning to run dry. We have to learn to fill the pitcher before it runs dry.

You can fill your mind with many things, but that's not the water for the pitcher. You can run 10 miles a day, but that's not water for the pitcher. You can go to lots of classes, and you can always find the right answer, but that's not water for the pitcher.

Water for the beautiful pitcher is water that really nourishes you. Like a nice soak in a bubble bath, your favorite music on in the house. Or a long walk with no destination. Or reading - for the 100th time - your favorite poem. Or spending an afternoon doing nothing - or simply poking around, doing things but accomplishing nothing. Or singing your favorite songs to yourself. Or praying. Or sitting, looking at the trees outside your window.

We are led to believe that we can run on empty. But we are human, after all. We are beautiful pitchers that need to be filled, over and over again, with beauty.
Warmly,
meb

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

On the days when you have nothing to give...

Some days, we have nothing to give. That's simply the way it is. Some days, our personal resources are limited, and anything anyone else asks for has to be piled on top of a big empty hole - the hole inside of us.

On the days when you have nothing to give, be gentle with yourself. Be willing to forgive yourself easily. Say "I'm sorry," to yourself when you are too snappy with co-workers (dont' forget to say "I'm sorry," to them, too... maybe tomorrow, though!).
Say "I'm sorry" to yourself when you're too busy to be patient with your children (don't forget to say "I'm sorry," to them, too).
Say "I'm sorry" to yourself if you simply can't get to everything you want to do, on the days when you have nothing to give.

We are each entitled to days when we have nothing to give. We are merely human beings, after all - although sometimes it seems that the mountain of work before us wants us to be gods! And we are each entitled to be kind to ourselves, first of all, on those days.

Learning to be gentle and kind with oneself is a way to learn to be gentle and kind with others. Start with yourself. Being gentle and kind with yourself is probably the hardest lesson you'll ever learn. Notice that there are some times when you're just not your usual self. On those days, make sure you don't blame others. Breathe. Breathe again. Maybe some of the important things you need to do today will be better done tomorrow.

Accept your limitations. The world will be better for it!
Warmly,
meb

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

No thanks...

Often when we extend ourselves to someone else, or when we give a gift, or when we "do a favor" for someone, we expect a gift in return. That gift is usually: "thank you."

I can honestly tell you I'm not Miss Manners. Miss Manners will be perfectly happy to tell you that when you give a gift, the proper response from the receiver of the gift is "thank you."

I'm writing about another kind of giving here, though. I'm writing about the kind of giving that makes US into the best human beings we can be. The kind of giving I'm writing about is not dependent on the response we receive. It's about giving to open ourselves up to the great goodness, the great wonder, the great beauty of this good world. The kind of giving I'm writing about is another practice that can expand your life, change your life and your attitude toward life, and change the way we treat others completely.

Give because it makes YOU feel good. That's it. That's the practice. Give for yourself. Give to expand yourself. Give to feel joy. Give just because it's good for you to give. If the receiver of your gift says, "thanks!," then that's good. But that's not the purpose of the giving you're practicing.

Practice this for a day or a week or a month. What I'm suggesting is that you begin to notice your own motivations for whatever you choose to do. This is a freeing practice! As you practice, you will discover that you are not dependent on the reactions of others. You are free to choose. If you choose generosity, then the gift of generosity is your gift to yourself. If you choose to be open to another human being about what is true for you, then the gift of your open-ness is your gift to yourself.

Go ahead. Give. Enjoy.
Warmly,
meb

Monday, October 8, 2007

At the end of the day

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about "scratching the to do" list. In case you have taken that to heart - which I hope you have! - you might consider replacing it with another list. Oh well... something else to do!

Instead of having a "to do" list, which always seems to get longer even when you can scratch something off, consider having a "done" list. Every day, make a list of your accomplishments. In our culture, we are often valued for our accomplishments, to the point that who we are is devalued. And who we are is our real gift to the world.

But I digress. Sometimes just what we need is to realize for ourselves, not for anyone else, that at the end of the day, we have accomplished a TREMENDOUS amount. It's your list, so what goes on the list, at the end of the day, is yours to decide. My guess is that the "done" list will be much, much longer than the "to do" list. You'll have to decide that for yourself.

For example, if you begin your "done" list at the point you arrived at your office, then you have probably started to record your accomplishments too late in the day. That would be especially true if you were the first in the family to get up, that you were the one who made coffee and went outside to get the paper, that you fed the cat, that you watered the houseplants and cleaned out the dishwasher, took a shower, then made sure everyone else in the house was out of bed, that you set the table for breakfast, cleared the table, got dressed and made sure everyone else was (appropriately) dressed for the day, that you drove the rest of the family to their bus stops, and then found a parking place for your car before you bought your ticket and got on the train, where you read about 10 pages of the novel you carry with you for times like this. (I'm sorry if I have not included enough items in this list of accomplishments.

You get the idea. At the end of the day, give yourself credit for what you have accomplished. The rest of the list will still be there tomorrow, so have a restful night's sleep!

Warmly,
meb

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Listen to your body

When you are confused, when you have a big decision to make, when you are uncertain about why things are going as they are, put away your lists, stop thinking (!) for a few moments, and listen. Listen to your body.

Try this: Sit quietly, and take a few moments to notice your breathing. You don't have to breathe in any particular way: pay attention. When you are ready, "drop your awareness" into your body. Allow your awareness to take the lead here; allow your awareness to go to that place in your body that is calling to you at this moment.

When your body has called you and your awareness is in that place, hold that place with loving awareness. Hold that place in your body in your awareness as if you were holding a newborn infant. Even if the place to which your awareness has been called is in pain, don't try to change it. Simply hold it in loving awareness. Stay here now...

After a time, you may notice a "shift," or "movement." After a time, nothing may change. Simply notice what happens. An image or a thought may come into your mind. Notice that image or thought. Continue to hold your body place in loving awareness. Another part of your body may call for your awareness... move to that place.

Your body has a story. By "focusing" in this way, you are listening for the story to unfold. Listen to your body's story as if you were listening to the important story of a child, or a great teacher. Your awareness will lead you to do this.

When you are ready, tell your body that you are thankful for what it has shared at this time. You will return again, to learn more of the story.

*If you want to read more about this way of listening to your body, you might want to find the book, "Focusing," by Eugene Gendlin.

Warmly,
meb

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Stepping Back

How often do you step back from something you are pondering, from a practical problem that needs to be solved, from an argument? Stepping back is a way, a method, a technique that invites you to access your creative self - your true self - to learn what you need for the situation at hand.

Stepping back takes practice. For many of us, stepping back does not come naturally - or even easily! - but when we practice stepping back, we will be amazed at the results.

Sometimes we do step back, without meaning to do so. For example, we may fuss and fuss over a problem at work all day, go home tired and crabby, and then not be able to sleep. Maybe we doze for a few minutes at about 2 A.M. Then! The next step, or the resolution pops into our mind, and we put our head back on the pillow and sleep peacefully for the rest of the night! You get it! The story line might not be the same, but most of us have experienced those moments of "enlightenment."

Einstein wrote that he got his best ideas while shaving! Now, that's stepping back, because when he was shaving, he had to be focused on what he was doing!!!

Practice stepping back in the simplest of ways. When someone moves in front of you in a crowded grocery line - step back.
When you're quickly walking on a busy street and someone darts right in front of you - step back. When you begin an argument - again - with that difficult co-worker, step back.

Try it! Let me know what happens!
Warmly,
meb

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Drop into now...

It's easy for us, I know, to be present in this moment when this moment is filled with happiness, and laughter, and the things we label as "good." It's a lot harder to be present in this moment when this moment is a moment of sadness, grief, or anxiety.

Life is constantly changing. Our emotions are constantly changing, as well. Writer Parker Palmer tells of his experience of Outward Bound. In Outward Bound he was expected to confront whatever obstacles were present in his environment. Through this experience, he would gain confidence and new learning about himself.

One of the tasks he was given was to have a slim rope tied around his waist as he was dropped over the edge of a cliff. At first he clung to the cliff, and as he did so, he dropped awkwardly onto the ledge below him, almost falling off the edge. At the top of the cliff, his instructor kept yelling down to Palmer to fall into the abyss, instead. To do so, he would have to trust his bearings on the side of the cliff, trust the weight of his body to be held, trust his feet to make their way down the side as surely as he would make his way on a city street. At first, this seemed unimaginable. Finally, having run out of options, Palmer dropped into his full weight, and trusted himself to "walk down" the cliff. It worked! He did it!

Every day we are also confronted with obstacles and opportunities to learn to trust ourselves. Our most common approach is to run from many of these opportunities. In Palmer's situation, that didn't work. He had nowhere to run! The truth is, neither do we! The obstacles and the uncomfortable parts of ourselves that we confront remain, whether we run or not. From the time we are children, most of us have learned to run away from the difficult feelings inside of us. When we attempt to do that, they remain, like the abyss below us.

Today, practice "dropping into" whatever emotion, experience, or situation you confront. Notice what happens. This is your practice for today.

Warmly,
meb

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Enjoy!

For many years, when my mother would send me a gift for my birthday or Christmas, on the note she attached with the gift, she would write: "Enjoy!"

As time has gone by, I've learned that when I am present in my life, when I take a moment to look at what is around me, when I slow down enough to see, actually see, what surrounds me in every moment, I can "enjoy!" And life for those moments is wonderful!

"Joy" - a noun - and "enjoy" - a verb - point to spiritual realities. And these spiritual realities are always present. When you're moving fast, running to catch the train, thinking about what you have to do today, worried about your child in school, planning what you're going to make for dinner tonight, ruminating on what you want that you don't have in your life, then you are not present to the spiritual realities of beauty and light and goodness and joy around you.

To experience joy takes practice. To experience joy takes conscious effort. To experience joy takes discipline, and sometimes work - although not the kind of work we are accustomed to doing. To experience joy takes setting aside the important - and our concerns are very important - concerns of the day for a few moments, on a regular basis, so that we get the "feel" of joy.

Right now... yes! now!!! Look up from your computer into your environment. Breathe. What do you see? What is beautiful to you?

Enjoy!
Warmly,
meb

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

When you're changing...

Sometimes we get to choose to make changes in our lives. Sometimes - of course - life simply changes, and we have to adjust. But sometimes we get to choose to make changes.

Even when we choose to make changes in ourselves, how we live, how we react to others, how we communicate, how we take care of ourselves, change can be difficult. How can you continue to move forward when things aren't going as smoothly as you had hoped?

Take an inventory of what is going well as you change! What do you already have "under your belt?" What is going well? Even if today hasn't been a day when things have gone well, what things have gone well? Make a list. Think about the list. How did you feel when things went well, when you spoke up for yourself, when you were able to change your eating habits for a day or two, when you made a decision easily? Give yourself credit for the change you've already made, even if it hasn't gone perfectly.

Don't give up! When we are in the process of change, of course we have a tendency to go back to old habits and ways of behaving. Of course!!! "There I go again!" Think of a way your changes are working, and then move forward.

Build on what you've accomplished, and look for things to get easier and easier for you as you change.
Warmly,
meb

Monday, October 1, 2007

Changing Seasons

I grew up in the Midwest of the United States, where the seasons were clearly defined. Summer and autumn were precious.

After moving to the West Coast over 25 years ago, it took several years before I could see the 4 seasons of each year. Although not as vivid as in the Midwest, the 4 seasons come and go, with subtlety and beauty.

These are the days of autumn. Here in Northern California, autumn days are often sunnier and hotter than summer days, which can be foggy until mid-afternoon. Sometime at the end of August, though, summer days give over to the heat of the autumn.

Our lives have seasons, too. Sometimes the seasons are clearly marked: a child goes off to college, we greet a new grandchild, or we lose a life partner. Sometimes the seasons do not change with clarity: slowly we see lines forming on our faces, and one day, looking into the mirror, we see wrinkles that remind us of our parents' and grandparents' faces.

What season of your life is this? Some seasons of life are quiet, some are filled with busy, important tasks and never-ending lists, some seasons are marked by sorrow, some by joy.

Spend some time today reflecting on this season of your life. Give thanks.

Warmly,
meb